Dan Savage Bender

Recently I got into one of my Dan Savage binges. I’m a big fan of his sassy wit and straight talk. So many sex columnists strike me as prudes who either hate sex or haven’t gotten laid in the last decade. They’re quick to jump on the anti-porn hysteria bandwagon, I imagine, to appeal to their mostly female audience despite any substantive scientific evidence showing harm. The same kind of pandering can be found on any daytime talk show. Does cross-dressing or fantasies of cuckolding make your man a perv beyond redemption? Absolutely. Or so says Dr. Phil to his estrogen-cheering crowd.

Thankfully, not all get their puritanical ruffles in a bunch. Even when a caller asked Dan about an obscure sex position involving sticking her husband’s testicles in her ass while getting fucked, Dan calmly explained that you first wanted to get the man’s balls in her ass before trying anything more difficult. I’m still trying to imagine how this first step works, but I’m just not able to visualize it.

Most of these questions are hilarious, and I often follow my partner around the house reading them aloud. After about two weeks of this, he’s had enough Dan Savage for the year.

However, a few stories are heartbreaking. A young female caller left a sobbing message relating her recent experience of coming out to her parents. As you can probably guess, it didn’t go well. The young woman was so distraught that she was contemplating suicide.

I grew up in a high school with little acceptance, so I have somewhat of an idea of what she’s facing. No one came out in my school, and it was actually believed that everyone in our class of more than 200 students was straight. I know how naive that sounds for 2015, but in a small town, we simply didn’t know better.

This was in the early days of the internet when Napster was all the rage and a three minute song took an hour to download. What people thought and believed was heavily sculpted by one’s immediate surroundings. After high school and college, more than a few of my friends came out. One of them landed a role on Broadway (I know, know. Totally stereotypical.) I looked him up to see some of his performances and found a video in which he discussed his adolescence. He talked about how difficult it was being a closeted homosexual. I remembered the taunts he received, and how quickly he was dismissed as being weird and girly. Well, the weird, girly kid is now on Broadway, full of confidence and looks manly enough that I’m sure he has to beat back the boys.

During high school, I was struggling with my own sexual interests. When I was a teenager, I thought everyone was into BDSM (a term I didn’t yet know). After briefly bringing it up in casual conversation with friends, I learned to keep those interests to myself. Until I was in my mid 20s, I never spoke of those fetishes again, not even telling those I dated.

Thankfully, there’s more resources and information for people to learn about their sexuality. The internet has provided a unique place where people can come together in an anonymous setting and ask the question, “Am I weird?”

And the answer: maybe. If so, welcome to the club. I’m weird and so is my friend on Broadway. We’re weird people living our lives honestly. Unlike the vast majority of married people, my partner knows all my fetishes. This took time and it wasn’t something done on the first or second or even twentieth date.

Unfortunately, there’s always those who will want you to stay quiet, to keep your weirdness to yourself, and to label you with the latest pop psych diagnosis. Often, these are the same people struggling to make sense of their own weirdness or those looking to make a quick buck off ignorance. Or maybe they just never got the memo that as long as there’s consent and it isn’t harming others, it’s okay to be weird.

Sale Starting Next Week!

homewrecker3 MILF for Xmas - High Resolution (1)

Starting this Monday, October 19 at 8:00 AM PST to Midnight on the following Sunday on the 25th, I will be having a sale. Both Homewrecker and A MILF for Xmas will be on sale for $.99. That’s 67% off the normal price, so if you’re a fan and you haven’t snatched these up or you’d like to get a taste of my writing for only a buck, now the time.

Please note, this is for the US store only. If you’re outside the US, from what I’ve heard, you can create a US account and take advantage of the deal.

The problem with chastity belts

Purchasing a chastity belt seems like an easy task. Google the phrase and you’re likely to be hit first with the CBX000s series. If you’re not familiar with them, they’re plastic devices (not a belt, in my opinion) that are inexpensive and popular. The problem: they don’t work and are painful for most to wear. I will give the CB-line one word of praise. They brought the chastity fetish to pop culture and many men were able to explore their chastity fetishes for the first time.

You’re probably sensing a “but” coming.

Here’s the thing. Every man searching for a chastity belt desires four things: security, discretion, comfort, and hygiene. I’ve put those attributes in order by their typical ranking of importance. If a chastity belt or device can be compromised, it’s useless. If you plan on wearing it out of your house and everyone at work notices you have an enormous bulge in your pants (I’ll skip the jokes), it’s impractical. If you wake up to stabbing pains in your groin each night or the belt chafes against your skin, long-term wear isn’t suitable. And if you have to remove the device each time you clean yourself, distance play isn’t feasible, or at the very least, made onerous.

You get the idea.

Every chastity fetishist searches the dark crannies of the web for that illustrious belt meeting all demands. Many manufacturers claim to sell it. The simple answer is that no such device or belt exists.

Two basic designs are available in chastity’s cottage industry: devices and belts. Chastity devices take advantage of the “trapped ball” design—a tube slides over the penis and a ring is fitted around the balls, preventing them from being pulled through. A pin, containing a hasp that a lock goes through, holds both pieces together. There are endless varieties. Some of these devices are one piece, others come out of the box mimicking an Erecter Set. All of them work by ensuring the device can’t be removed from the body.

Sounds great, right?

Not exactly.

Slipping the penis out of the tube is easy. I’ve seen design after design try to overcome this flaw. Add-ons, such as blunted or not-so blunted points, have been inserted into the tube to make pulling out painful. Tubes have been slanted downward to prevent the same escape. While I applaud this ingenuity, they fail in their intent. It’s not the manufacturer’s fault. The penis is simply the worst appendage of the body to try to restrict. It grows and shrinks and can be bent into every shape and direction. Add a little soap and water, and it can beat the most devious of devices. Evolution probably selected these traits since they protect the penis, but that’s a topic for another post.

Chastity belts are a little better. Neosteel and Latowski, both German manufactures, make very high-tech belts. They’re stunning to look at. These seem to be the unicorns of chastity belts. (If you know of any better manufacturer, let me know.) Yet, measuring for these devices can be tricky at best, and when you’re spending over a grand for a piece of BDSM equipment, you want to make sure you get it right. Last time I inquired, Latowski requires in-person measurements. Probably a good thing, but unless you’ve got the time and money to fly to Germany, you’re forced to take the measuring gamble.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume you can measure perfectly. In that case, they are very secure, comfortable, hygienic, and with the right clothing, discreet. However, men still report being able to ejaculate by shifting the belt or applying a vibrator against the tube.

And that brings me to the point of this post.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. The old adage is strikingly poignant for chastity belt enthusiasts. In the end, the chastised sub can always cheat. To prevent this, some subs have gone so far as to employee piercings on the head of their penis (called a Prince Albert) that is then attached to the belt via a cord to make pull out impossible without bodily injury. Lori’s Secure Chastity Devices makes great use of a variety of genital piercings in their devices. Other dommes have attached electronic gizmos to belts to alert when there’s been tampering.

Yet, if the male really wants to, he can cheat. He can use of vibrator, grab a hacksaw, or just use plan old resourcefulness.

So does that mean I think chastity devices are a scam and have no use in power exchange? Absolutely not. Just as a skillfully-wielded rattan cane reminds a sub of his place, so can a chastity device. When he feels the urge to pleasure himself, a chastity device around his member reminds him of whom he’s sacrificing for and why.

But I do think when dommes and subs decide to purchase a chastity device, they must do so with realistic expectations. If a $1,500 device touches a man’s submissive soul in a way a $100 device can’t, then by all means pick one up if you’ve got the means. However, if a sub can’t keep from cheating with a cheaper device, a more expensive belt won’t solve the issue. Submission can’t be bought or beaten into a piece of hardware. The real restraint and control a domme exerts exists between the submissive’s ears. That’s why power exchange is so sexy. BDSM enthusiasts know that power exchange is mental sex. Some might go so far as to call it spiritual sex. All those surly implements and foreboding devices are tools to provoke submission. Chastity devices and belts have to be viewed in the same manner. As tools. No piece of hardware will ever substitute an earnest desire to follow a domme’s commands and chastity devices are no exception.

For more information on chastity devices and play, along with honest reviews, I highly recommend Chastitylifestyle.com. And please let me know of your own experiences with chastity devices in the comment section!