I wanted to wish everyone a very merry Christmas and a happy holidays. I’ll be back next week to conclude the three part series on making your submissive fantasies a reality. For the third part, I’ll be discussing visiting a pro-domme. Please be safe and enjoy your time with family and friends!
Last week, I discussed how to introduce your wife or significant other to female domination. If you aren’t currently in a relationship you might have felt left out. Don’t despair. This week’s post is all about you. If you’re a single kinkster looking for love, consider yourself very fortunate. There are plenty of like-minded fetish enthusiasts out there with desires just as twisted or tame as your own.
Unfortunately, this is a numbers game, and the numbers aren’t encouraging for submissive males searching for their Wanda*. There are a wide range of stats on this issue. Some list submissive males outnumbering dominant females four to one. Academic research I’ve seen have numbers all over the place but submissive men always outnumber dominant women. If you read the fine print on these studies many of them only have a few hundred people (at best) and are often limited to a small geographical area.
Here’s Fetlife’s own numbers.
Link to larger graph.
Link to larger graph.
I know these are probably too small to see, so I’ve provided a link to them. If we add up sub and slave, we get 11.39% for men. For women, adding dom, domme, and mistress, we arrive at 10.74%. Sadist represents a percentage too small to be included. There’s also brat which I imagine contains a few dominant women. Given this comparison, there appears to be an almost 1:1 ratio.
However, at almost every Munch or fetish ball I’ve attended submissive men have far outnumbered dominant women. Others have confirmed my anecdotal reports. So what gives? The reason for this anomaly is simple; men outnumber women on Fetlife’s site 6:1.
We may never learn the real number, but I know this much. If you’re a submissive male in search of a dominant woman, being able to present yourself as a human being interested in real connections beyond having your fetishes entertained will put you in the top ten percent alone. Be respectful and find common ground beyond kinks and you’re likely to have much better success than shouting out a bucket list of fetishes to be fulfilled.
Fetlife is like Facebook for kinksters. There’s also Alt. For males, Collar Me (or Collar Space as they’ve now rebranded themselves) is a waste of time. I’m not even giving them the respect of a hyperlink. Another great site is AboutFLR. The dating portion is very small, but it has a wealth of information about female led relationships. There are a ton of other sites that a simple Google search will reveal. While POF and OkCupid don’t cater specifically to kinksters, they both have a large number of active users. Both are also free. (For the record, I met my spouse on OkCupid, so I think they’re pretty awesome.)
Fetlife is probably your best bet. Just don’t expect to find your dream domme in an afternoon. There are still lots of fakes, flakes, and pro dommes on any of these sites. Be patient and spend time filling out your profile to the best of your ability. You can use a photo, but realize that with reverse imaging, your photos might be found. If you do want to use a photo of yourself, which I highly encourage, post one that has never been put onto any other social media site before.
After you’ve set up your profile and you’ve started chatting with others who pique your interest, try moving things out of the digital world as soon as possible. Get a phone number and call the person. You’ll get a much better feel for them. It’s important that you don’t develop feelings for someone who only exists to you in cyberspace or through texting. We can present just about any persona we want on the Internet. Speaking to that person on the phone will give you a much better impression of who they are.
If all goes well, meet in a public venue and have coffee. It’s important to have one or two non-fetish meet-ups before diving into anything sexual. Call it kink courting. You also want to be careful that you don’t end up in any dangerous situations. Bondage with a stranger is a recipe for bad things to come. Remember that you control the pace. Any domme who is pushing you to engage in activities that you feel uncomfortable with is a major red flag. The reverse is also true for dommes.
While Internet sites can be a great way to meet others, don’t disregard Munches if they’re available in your area. Munches are informal get-togethers for like-minded fetishists held normally at a restaurant. This is a great way to meet experienced fetish participants. Even if you don’t find your domme at one of these, you are sure to meet veteran dommes who can help guide you and provide mentoring. Don’t underestimate how valuable this can be.
Finally, we get to the best way to meet your future dominatrix. Date regular women. While this is the long route, it’s probably the most common. While many men are aware of their fetishes, most women don’t discover their kinks until someone introduces them in a relationship. You may get turned down a few times after you reveal your kinks. And yes, she might tell her friends. Just make sure to have your phone close by because one of those girlfriends may decide to give you a ring.
*Wanda is a reference to the dominant woman in Sacher-Masoch’s Venus in Furs.
I occasionally get emails from readers who have fantasized their whole lives about submitting to a dominant woman. Many of these men are married or in long-term relationships, so it always begs the question as to why they’re telling me about this instead of their significant other. I never ask because I already know the answer. They’re afraid of rejection.
In the spirit of the holiday season, where giving is a central theme, I decided to write a three part series on making your submissive fantasies come true. If you’re a female dominant looking for a slave, you should be able to reverse the pronouns and follow the same logic. For a virgin kinkster, I can think of no better present to yourself than the gift of realizing some of your submissive fantasies. In this blog post, I’ll be discussing how to introduce your wife or long-term partner to a female led relationship. In the next post, we’ll chat about finding a girlfriend or play partner who’s into femdom, and finally, we’ll end by talking about pro dommes.
Almost every submissive male is to some degree ashamed of his fetish. Our culture still assumes the man is to ask the girl out, initiate sex, ask for marriage, and lead the household. Sexual submission—whether practiced as a weekly spanking or as a lifestyle based on a female led relationship—turns those notions on its head. Too often, the submissive male is viewed as a weakling or a loser. It’s no wonder these men resist the idea of outing themselves to their romantic interests. They fear ridicule at best and a divorce or break up at worst.
Submissive men have to get that misrepresented caricature out of their head. When confessing their submissive kinks, men often approach the woman as if they’re admitting to bankruptcy, criminal convictions, or terminal illnesses. If you’re that ashamed of your fetishes, how do you expect other people to respect them? Have confidence and be proud of your kinks. Know that submission is a gift. You aren’t confessing sins, but rather, revealing who you really are. Anyone privileged enough to hear this should consider themselves lucky to be with someone who trusts them enough to reveal their deepest desires.
But yes, I can hear the groans of men reading that last paragraph. The world isn’t so kind and accepting. Sexual deviations are routinely met with derision. The LGBT community knows this all too well. This is why I advise you to take it slow.
Unfortunately, there exists a bit of a paradox when it comes to men coming forward with their desires to submit. They will be terrified to tell anyone, but when they do, it’s often a long admission of all their desires. Don’t do this. Take it slow and be patient. Start off by admitting certain fantasies you have. Your partner will probably ask for elaboration. When she does, give a light example such as wanting to be spanked or your desire for her to be more aggressive in bed. Be specific and remember that she probably won’t know what acronyms like CBT or FLR mean. Judge her reaction. If you’re really lucky, she might admit similar interests. Either way, she’s likely to oblige a small request.
And most important of all, lower your expectations. Your wife isn’t going to throw on a catsuit and dominate you the entire weekend just because you admitted your kinks to her. Take small steps, adding a little more at a time. If you push too quickly, she’s likely to feel uncomfortable and think that she sucks at domination. That’s not a very good way of making your wife feel sexy. Do that and she’ll dread entertaining your submissive fantasies.
If she enjoys domination, you can continue to reveal other interests. Try to impress upon how your fantasies help her. If you enjoy body worship, tell her that you want to give her foot massages and oral sex as often as she likes. Likewise, tell her you want her to make you do the chores. For a partner who is sexually uninterested in dominating her husband, this can be a great way to sell a female led relationship. In The Stranger, Dan Savage wrote about this exact thing (link provided to the article). The husband wanted to submit to his wife. She, on the other hand, wanted someone, “to do the fucking laundry.” After years of living in a wife led marriage, the woman couldn’t imagine going back to their former ways.
I think this provides a perfect example of how female led relationships are often negotiated. Submissive men look at the reality of there being far more of themselves than there are dominant women and despair that the odds of their wife ever being into FLR are so slim that it isn’t worth the risk of bringing it up. This, more than anything else, is the reason why I think so many submissive men go their entire marriages without ever revealing their kinks.
Just think about how unfortunate it is that so many submissives will never tell the person they’ve decided to spend the rest of their lives with about their deepest sexual needs. I can’t help but wonder how many of these men on their deathbed will be mentally flogging themselves for never having had the courage to open up.
Don’t let this be you.
The sad reality is that your wife probably isn’t the femme fatale of your dreams. Most women don’t masturbate to thoughts of dominating men. However, most loving wives are willing to cater to a light fetish. When she sees how happy an over-the-knee spanking makes you, she might obliged a few other requests.
With that being said, your wife may introduce a few fantasies of her own that might not exactly tickle your submissive heart. If so, suck it up and do your best. It’s only fair to give back in a relationship.
As you read the evening newspaper and flip the page, you hear your wife calling you from the bedroom in her signature ready-to-play voice. The workday has been stressful and long, but right now your wife wants to set your mind at ease. You set down your paper and move toward the bedroom. As pass the doorway, you see her standing by the bed in her silk robe. She opens it, allowing the fabric to fall to the floor. Watching her step forward in the lace ensemble you bought her for Christmas, your throat tightens. Then you see it. Extending from between her legs is an eight-inch strap-on. You start to back away, to object. She tells you not to worry. Your wife understands. You’ve had a tough day at the office. It’s time to bend over and let her do all the work.
Whew! I had to set my wet panties beside the keyboard after that one. Nothing like some good old fashion strap-on sex to humble a man. Is there anything better? So many kinks wrapped up into such a simple fetish. There’s the physical act of bending over in a submissive pose, the hints of forced bi, the tapping into deep-rooted fears of rape. With a little dress up, feminization can easily be added. Gender roles are reversed. Considering the number of kinks at work, it’s no wonder that strap-on is such a popular fetish.
First, can we seriously get a committee of lexicographers together to decide if it’s spelled strap-on, strapon, or strap on? Macmillan, I’m looking at you.
Since I’m a fan of hyphens, I guess I’ll stick with strap-on.
Selecting a Strap-On
If you’re a sub, I’m assuming you have a partner to play with. If not, I’ll be writing an upcoming series of blog posts about making your submissive fantasies a reality, whether it’s telling your significant other, finding a play partner, and/or visiting a pro domme. Check back for those updates.
The one word of advice I’ll give on purchasing a strap-on is to remember the idiom, “Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.” The same is true when picking out a strap-on. Often the sub’s eyes are bigger than his anus. That nine-inch beast may get you rock hard when viewing it on the computer screen, but unless you’re advance with anal play, that thing’s probably not going inside no matter how much lube you use.
Also, don’t assume that just because you’ve used butt plugs in the past that this should be good measure of how big of a strap-on you can take. A butt plug remains in place. Just because you can get it in once doesn’t mean you can easily endure the thrusting motions of your partner fucking you.
The most important dimension is not length. Most men’s asses are long enough to take six inches. Width is what causes most of the problems. And since strap-ons are primarily made for women, the widths are often too large for an anus. Anything over an inch for a first timer is probably too much. Almost all strap-on dildos will tell you its width in the product details, so you shouldn’t have a problem finding it.
Avoid the curved dildos. These are designed to hit a woman’s G-spot and won’t work well for a man’s anatomy. And please don’t get a glass dildo. These are decorative and have no business near your body, and since they take so long to warm and are hard, I can’t imagine them feeling good. Go with silicone or CyberSkin materials. Both are the most realistic materials, the latter being more so.
Don’t overlook the harness either. Make sure it’s a comfortable looking one. If you’re feeling more adventurous, get a double-sided or vibrating harness. There’s no reason that the receiver should get all the fun.
Lube to Use
I recommend getting JO Premium. It’s the only silicone lube that can be used with silicone sex toys. Silicone can be a pain to get off, but it’s better than anal lube. I would avoid water-based lubes. They dry out the anus because the rectum absorbs water, causing swelling and increasing the amount of micro tears in the rectum walls.
As a side note, if you’re planning to use condoms with your strap-on play, silicone based lubes also won’t break down condoms like petroleum-based lubes will, e.g., Vaseline. But remember that JO Premium is the only silicone you can use with silicone-based products.
Using a Strap-on
Avoid defecating for at least several hours to avoid . . . well, let’s not go there. Condoms make cleanups easier. For some, condoms can also lend to the realism of the experience, adding to the humiliation factor.
While it’s pretty obvious to add lube to the dildo, don’t forget to lube the hole it’s going in. If you have trouble fitting the strap-on, a butt plug for ten minutes can help loosen things up.
Start off slowly. If you spot any blood, stop immediately and don’t try again for several days. The biggest public service announcement here is cleanup. Dish soap works fine. We all hate cleanup after sex, but germs are probably the biggest threat lurking in any dungeon or kink chest.
I think that’s about all. If you have any questions, or if you think I’ve left something important out, let me know below.
Starting this Sunday, November 29 at 12:00 AM PST to December 1 at 8:00 AM PST, Alternative Therapy will be $.99. Normally, it’s $4.99, so that’s 80% off, and at 95K words it’s my longest femdom story.
Since it’s a countdown deal, the price will return back to normal in increments. From December 1, 8:00 AM to Dec 3, 4:00 PM, the price will be $1.99, and after December 3, 4:00 PM it will go up to $2.99. After December 6, 12:00 AM, the price returns to normal.
Please note, this is for the US store only. If you’re outside the US, you can still create a US account and take advantage of the deal.
If there’s one fetish besides findom that leaves people shaking their heads, it’s cuckolding. The idea that a married man would want his sweet, dotting angel of a wife to go out to the bar to pick up a random stud to give her the best lay of her life does sort of go against all that we cherish in a monogamous relationship.
In case you don’t know, cuckolding is when a female in a monogamous relationship (usually a marriage) has sex with other partners while the man remains faithful. The female, in this case, is referred to as the ‘cuckoldress’, her new outside love interest the ‘bull’. The man being cheated on is the ‘cuckold’.
Almost without exception, the man is the one to first raise the idea of cuckolding. I’ve heard varied explanations for why this sexual fantasy exists. Some think the man believes he isn’t good enough for any woman. Others view the relationship as dead and that the man unconsciously wants a reason to leave. Those reasons could be true for some, but I don’t think it speaks for the vast majority of men who have this fetish.
Cuckolding is one of the many forms of psychological sexual masochism, although, not all men into cuckolding enjoy being humiliated. A minority of cuckolds purely enjoy the arousal of seeing, hearing, or thinking about their lover with another man.
Anthropology lends one potential explanation to why this fetish exists. Any stat on infidelity clearly demonstrates that monogamy doesn’t come naturally to us. It’s a fairly recent social construct in evolutionary terms. Even during times of monogamy, it was assumed that men would have mistresses and concubines until about forty to sixty years ago. While many point to the Bible as the source of monogamy, a light reading of scripture reveals more sleeping around than an episode of Mistresses. The New Testament dials back the multiple wives and concubines, but little is spoken about monogamy outside a few verses in Mark and Matthew referencing a verse in Genesis discussing man and woman becoming one flesh.
A more likely source is Rome where the cultural norm was monogamy. After Constantine made Christianity legal and Theodosius made it the official religion of the Roman Empire, Christianity adopted many of Rome’s cultural practices, including monogamy.
While monogamy, polygyny (one husband, many wives), and polyandry (one wife, many husbands) once all coexisted rather peacefully, once monogamy became intertwined with the spread of Christianity, it became cemented in most cultures. As Dr. David P. Barash and Dr. Judith Lipton succinctly state in their book The Myth of Monogamy:
“Once a monogamous code exists, violating that code is antithetical to higher levels of civilization and of personal development.”
The thought of a woman having sex with multiple men (sometimes at once) may strike the pious as sinful, but such behavior was quite ordinary for thousands of years and may explain the reason why women developed the ability to have multiple orgasms. In a monogamous relationship, multiple orgasms really don’t make much evolutionary sense for procreation.
This brings us to what I think is at least one piece of the answer as to why cuckolding is such a popular fetish among men. Competition. In the beginning of a relationship, the chase alone for men is thrilling enough. Once that chase is over and the pair of lovers is on their tenth hour of a Game of Thrones binge, it’s no surprise that the excitement is gone. This is one reason why so many men into cuckolding are over thirty and in long term relationships. Having lost their sense of competitiveness, they’ve become bored and disillusioned. For these men, introducing competition reactivates the chase.
Sperm competition is seen throughout nature and alludes to why men view so much more pornography than women. Watching people have sex activates their sexual desire to compete. (Lesbian porn arouses them from watching sexually aggressive females who are ready to mate, but that’s an entirely different topic.) Therefore, cuckold fantasies activates a primitive need to compete in a man’s sexuality.
It should be noted that very few men with this fetish actually want their wives to leave them. Cuckolds only want the illusion of competition. While he’s sitting off to the sidelines watching his wife get dolled up for her big date, he knows that she’ll later return home to tell him all about the great sex she just enjoyed.
Cuckolding as a Fetish
Despite much of the media brooding over this so-called new phenomenon, if anything is new, it’s that more people are able to make this fetish a reality as a result of the internet. Plenty of sites, such as, Date A Cuckold provide a community for cuckoldresses and bulls to seek arrangements.
Of course, all this intellectual appeal fails to explain why all men don’t harbor cuckolding fantasies. From the limited research available, one established link is that most men into this fetish are educated individuals with high IQs, which makes sense since it places a premium on the mental, rather than the physical, aspects of sex. (Though, I doubt all male Mensa members are trading tips on how to get their wives to sleep around on them.) How our sexual DNA, hormones, and life experiences produce a kink remains a mystery to psychologists.
To make matters more complicated, there are different types of cuckolds. Some are submissive and enjoy the humiliation of laying out the woman’s clothes and preparing the bed for her and her lover. Some additionally see it as an avenue to forced bi. Others have no interest in female domination and purely enjoy the voyeuristic aspects. Then there’s the white man who only wants his wife to enjoy black men.
Making it a Reality
Whatever your particular style may be, if this is something you’ve fantasized about and are now looking to make a reality, I think it’s best to follow a few guidelines.
- Don’t try this in a new relationship. Unless you’re cool with a kink-only relationship, cuckolding is best done when trust has been established in the relationship. It’s also pretty rare to be desired in a new relationship since the thrill of the chase provides enough stimuli.
- Don’t jump in headfirst. Start with a date that doesn’t involve sex, and see what both your reactions are. Then add a kiss and so on.
- You may find you don’t like it. If your lovely wife or girlfriend makes your fantasy come true only for you to find yourself crying in the corner of the bedroom with regret, process your own feelings without slut shaming your significant other for something you asked her to do. This happens a lot, and it’s so not cool.
- Building off #3, don’t be surprised if the fulfillment of this fetish is the greatest turn on of your life until you blow your load and reality comes crashing down with all its post orgasm shame. This is a common reaction expressed by first time cuckolds.
- Get the bull tested for STDs. Most cuckolds want their significant other to have sex without a condom so she can be filled with the alpha male’s sperm. Remember the part about sperm competition! This type of play is fine as long as you’re safe and on birth control.
- Be careful involving coworkers, friends or relatives. I don’t think this one needs explanation.
- Realize that most cuckold relationships don’t work out in the long term. Often, someone falls in love, becomes resentful, gets jealous, ect. Yes, many report that their relationship is on fire during those first few months of cuckolding, but making this work over the long haul requires a high level of trust and communication. Many marriages have ended in divorce as a result of cuckolding, so understand that you’re trotting into a fetish with potentially serious consequences. (Though it’s worth noting that some have attributed the cuckolding lifestyle as having saved their marriage.)
- Consider visiting a kink-friendly therapist to provide guidance and to make sure you are both ready for this. A professional can also help you process emotions that will undoubtedly come up once the cuckolding begins.
All of this, though, is dependent upon you telling your significant other. Do be tactful about this, and make sure you impress upon her that this doesn’t mean you don’t love her or that this is a cleaver ruse for you to later seek sex outside the relationship. Impress upon her that you want her to have the best sex life possible and seeing her as a “hotwife” is a thrill for you.
Beyond that, there’s not much you can do. Your wife/GF/SO will either agree or not, and most won’t. I’ll say that again for the overly optimistic kinkster who’s jerking off while reading this. As someone who has been in the fetish community for a while and watched men hang from ceilings while their wives whipped them, this is the one fetish where those same kinky women will resoundingly say, “HELL NO,” to cuckolding. Despite the online cuckolding forums giving the impress that every wife in the neighborhood is openly fucking around, the odds she will ever be into this fetish are slim.
But if this is something you really desire, test the waters by bringing it up in a casual conversation and gauge her reaction. You might say you read about it in the news. Personally, I’m not a fan of these mind games, so I think you should just come out with it, but if you think your wife might freak out, take the stealth approach. You know your wife better than I do, so trust your instincts. From what others have said, if she likes to talk about past boyfriends and describing the sex she had with them, this appears to be one of the signs of a potential cuckoldress. Other than that it seems to be a crapshoot.
If she’s not down with spreading her legs for that young stud who serves her morning macchiato with a wink, try compromising with role-play. Your wife might even find that she likes your fantasy sessions more than she thought she would and later warm up to the idea of cuckolding you for real. If not, there are plenty of cuckolding porn on the web, and a little imagination can go a long way.
If you’ve got any hot cuckolding stories, please share in the comments!
This weekend I went out to the Miami Book Fair for the first time. Every year I talk about going, but this time around I finally got off my butt and went. It was great to see local writers, and I got a bunch of books at a great price. For anyone in the Miami area, today is the last day if you want to check it out.
I took this weekend off from editing Housewife to Dominatrix. I usually work seven days a week, so it was great to have a few days to get out with the family. Also, next week I’ll be posting a blog entry on cuckolding.
In a prior blog post, I wrote about my current progress on my latest novel Housewife to Dominatrix. I gave a rough estimate of it being released in one month and having a word count of around 80k words. Well, here we are three weeks later and I just finished the draft at 120K words. (This is why I hate giving out dates) Therefore, I’m going to need five to eight weeks more to edit and so forth.
While this is my longest story, I really don’t feel it’s too long. It tells the story of a husband and wife who make the transition to sub and domme respectively, so there needed to be adequate time given to make that development real. What I didn’t want is to truncate the story by having the wife discover her inner domme and go from docile housewife to swinging a single tail with the proficiency of a pro domme all in the same chapter. I realize all erotica, femdom included, is a bit of a stretch, but I prefer my stories to have some semblance of reality so my readers can put themselves in the sub or domme’s position.
Mistress Lin from Claiming the CEO has taken on a much more prominent role in the story than I previously thought. I’ve incorporated her in a way that if you haven’t read Claiming the CEO you won’t be missing out on anything, but if you have, there’s a few Easter eggs to enjoy. This latest book actually occurs several years before Claiming the CEO.
I thought about breaking this one into two books, but there really isn’t a solid spot to do it. I’m not a fan of writers taking an otherwise complete novel and chopping it into two or three works. This was done a lot when Amazon paid Kindle Unlimited borrows based on a flat amount rather than pages read. (This has since been changed.) Writers had an incentive to chop up their books to increase the amount of royalties they received. I understand serialization where there are complete story arcs in each series done in a similar fashion to a TV show. What I’m talking about are cohesive stories with one arc divided at cliffhanger points. In these instances, the reader started off thinking they were buying a story for $2.99 only to find that it was going to cost them several times that in order to finish a story they had already started. Call me crazy, but I think this is a fantastic way of pissing off fans and alienating them, so it’s one I’ve avoided.
Anyway, enough babbling by me. Time to get back to the story. I’m going to take my time editing this one to make sure it’s done right while working as fast as I can to get this out to you guys.
Recently I got into one of my Dan Savage binges. I’m a big fan of his sassy wit and straight talk. So many sex columnists strike me as prudes who either hate sex or haven’t gotten laid in the last decade. They’re quick to jump on the anti-porn hysteria bandwagon, I imagine, to appeal to their mostly female audience despite any substantive scientific evidence showing harm. The same kind of pandering can be found on any daytime talk show. Does cross-dressing or fantasies of cuckolding make your man a perv beyond redemption? Absolutely. Or so says Dr. Phil to his estrogen-cheering crowd.
Thankfully, not all get their puritanical ruffles in a bunch. Even when a caller asked Dan about an obscure sex position involving sticking her husband’s testicles in her ass while getting fucked, Dan calmly explained that you first wanted to get the man’s balls in her ass before trying anything more difficult. I’m still trying to imagine how this first step works, but I’m just not able to visualize it.
Most of these questions are hilarious, and I often follow my partner around the house reading them aloud. After about two weeks of this, he’s had enough Dan Savage for the year.
However, a few stories are heartbreaking. A young female caller left a sobbing message relating her recent experience of coming out to her parents. As you can probably guess, it didn’t go well. The young woman was so distraught that she was contemplating suicide.
I grew up in a high school with little acceptance, so I have somewhat of an idea of what she’s facing. No one came out in my school, and it was actually believed that everyone in our class of more than 200 students was straight. I know how naive that sounds for 2015, but in a small town, we simply didn’t know better.
This was in the early days of the internet when Napster was all the rage and a three minute song took an hour to download. What people thought and believed was heavily sculpted by one’s immediate surroundings. After high school and college, more than a few of my friends came out. One of them landed a role on Broadway (I know, know. Totally stereotypical.) I looked him up to see some of his performances and found a video in which he discussed his adolescence. He talked about how difficult it was being a closeted homosexual. I remembered the taunts he received, and how quickly he was dismissed as being weird and girly. Well, the weird, girly kid is now on Broadway, full of confidence and looks manly enough that I’m sure he has to beat back the boys.
During high school, I was struggling with my own sexual interests. When I was a teenager, I thought everyone was into BDSM (a term I didn’t yet know). After briefly bringing it up in casual conversation with friends, I learned to keep those interests to myself. Until I was in my mid 20s, I never spoke of those fetishes again, not even telling those I dated.
Thankfully, there’s more resources and information for people to learn about their sexuality. The internet has provided a unique place where people can come together in an anonymous setting and ask the question, “Am I weird?”
And the answer: maybe. If so, welcome to the club. I’m weird and so is my friend on Broadway. We’re weird people living our lives honestly. Unlike the vast majority of married people, my partner knows all my fetishes. This took time and it wasn’t something done on the first or second or even twentieth date.
Unfortunately, there’s always those who will want you to stay quiet, to keep your weirdness to yourself, and to label you with the latest pop psych diagnosis. Often, these are the same people struggling to make sense of their own weirdness or those looking to make a quick buck off ignorance. Or maybe they just never got the memo that as long as there’s consent and it isn’t harming others, it’s okay to be weird.
I’ll admit it. I love ruined orgasms. It’s one I can rarely avoid exploring in my writing. I don’t know how many of my readers have experienced a ruined orgasm, but I thought I’d offer a quick guide on the techniques and terms associated with this particular fetish.
What is it?
While a ruined orgasm may incorporate tease and denial, the two are not the same. In tease and denial, the male sub is commonly brought to the edge before all stimulation is stopped. The male doesn’t come. End of story. Ruined orgasms go further by allowing semen to be released without allowing a proper orgasm. This can be anything from one drop of semen or multiple ruined orgasms that completely drain the sub.
The important aspect to remember with all of these techniques is that stimulation must be stopped when the man begins having contractions. Semen leaving the body alone will not cause an orgasm. Orgasms occur because of stimulation to the penis during the period of contractions before and during ejaculation.
Partially Ruined vs. Completely Ruined
Before discussing the techniques, let’s make sure we’re all talking about the same thing when I say ruined orgasm.
Beginners will often masturbate the slave until the first shot of cum is expelled before ceasing stimulation. In my opinion, this is a partially ruined orgasm rather than a truly ruined one. As explained above, an orgasm begins before semen is released. If you’re masturbating your partner or yourself up until the point at which semen is coming out, you’ve probably gone too far. Most of the orgasm will be defeated, but a partial orgasm will still occur.
Before an orgasm begins, there is the so-called point of no return. This is the moment where any additional stimulation will result in contractions and semen being released. Continuing stimulation at this point will result in orgasmic feelings. The trick is to stop during the small window after the point of no return but before an orgasm begins. Therefore, timing is crucial for a proper ruined orgasm.
Below are several methods to use.
This is the most common type of ruined orgasm. All you have to do is stroke until the point of no return and then let go. Most of the time, not all of the semen is released unless several more strokes are given. While this can be done, realize that every additional stroke risks causing a partial orgasm.
If done correctly, semen squirts or dribbles out sans orgasm. I think this method is best for a long and frustrating tease and denial session where the sub doesn’t know if he’s going to come or not. When he sees that you’re going all the way, he expects to have an Earth-shattering orgasm. The numbing reality of a ruined orgasm can leave him stunned and defeated. Perfect for training your sub to never underestimate your ability to surprise him. An unexpected ruined orgasm will have him wondering whether he’ll really be coming the next time around.
This is my favorite form of ruined orgasms. It’s very similar to abandonment except it causes only a few drops of semen to be released at a time. This technique takes a lot of practice and understanding of the different signs for when your sub is approaching the point of no return.
The trick to this method is to ease back from stimulating the sub’s member as he nears an orgasm. I usually go from using an entire hand all the way down to one finger lightly touching to keep the sub on edge. I use that one finger to draw out a tiny amount of semen and watch the penis bob up and down (a feather is also great to use), halting all stimulation until the contractions pass. I then test the penis with one finger and slowly return my entire hand. I try to avoid the glans, focusing on the less sensitive shaft skin. If done long enough, the penis can be bleed by only rubbing the inner thighs.
Trust me when I say you haven’t experienced tease and denial until you’ve experienced this level of desperation. When I first met my sub, he was a self-proclaimed delayed ejaculator, i.e., he took a long fucking time to come. Watching his ass squirm as I leaked his seed with only my nails raking his inner thighs was a sight to behold.
After the contractions cease, the sub is stimulated again. This is repeated over and over until the sub has been completely drained. This can be concluded by stroking to a dry, unsatisfying orgasm. Subs describe this as a sore, burning sensation that is quite unpleasant. I love this method so much because the sub can literally be kept on the edge of an orgasm for the better part of an hour or longer.
Afterwards, the sub has no choice except to wait until his little gonads have reproduced enough semen for a proper orgasm. This can be great fun to incorporate with chastity. He’ll still be horny as ever and ready to serve you in any way you see fit.
For this method, the thumb or another foreign object blocks semen from escaping the urethra, causing a painful retrograde ejaculation. If you’ve experimented with urethral sounds, you’re probably somewhat familiar with what this feels like. You can stroke normally while keeping a firm finger or a plug capping the semen’s egress.
As he tries to come, the semen is recycled back into the body, allowing the process to be repeated. There are concerns this can cause health problems if done often, so approach this at your own risk. Personally, I can attest to knowing individuals who have been practicing thumbing for years with no adverse effects, though such experiences are purely anecdotal.
Blocking the urethra with your finger can be difficult. The penis will contract and semen shoots out with surprising pressure. A tight seal has to be formed to hold it all in. If you’re looking to use your fingers, the thumb works best for this while keeping a firm grip of the head. If you’re interested in using a foreign object, I would advise against Q-tips. They should never be used for insertion. Pick up a penis plug or a sound. They’re quite affordable and much safer.
Slapping or “thwacking”
If you enjoy CBT with ruined orgasms, you’ll like this one. It’s basically an abandoned ruined orgasm with one small catch. Immediately after stimulation is stopped, the frenulum on the underside of the head is slapped hard. If timed correctly, this will cause semen to dribble out.
It’s best to have the sub tied up for this one. Also, you might want to tie down his member so that it won’t be moving when you’re ready to give it a whack.
Squeezing/Spanking the Genitals
This can be a very painful method. If the squeezing is done hard enough, most, if not all, of the semen is prevented from escaping. For men who are true pain sluts, spanking the balls alone can cause ejaculation. Some women will also choose to continuing stroking the sub while spanking or squeezing the genitals to create a mix of CBT with an orgasm.
Squeezing or spanking the balls can be a good method to spring on the sub unexpectedly. Just be sure to have him tied down when doing it. The look on his face as you clamp down on his genitals at the point of no return is priceless.
Squeezing the Shaft
Another CBT-variant of a ruined orgasm. After the point of no return, the shaft of the cock is squeezed, preventing semen from shooting out in a forceful manner. Unlike plugging the opening of the urethra, semen will be expelled. This method destroys most of the orgasm and can cause a very alien-like sensation in its place. The same risks apply to this method as plugging so proceed with caution.
This one can take a little practice. You want to squeeze hard enough to stop the propulsion of semen without causing damage. I think this one is best enjoyed by the domme because it allows her to feel the force of the semen being stopped and the contractions of the ruined orgasm, offering her a very empowering experience. It can also be quite a mind fuck for the sub. By having his mistress’ hand on his member, he knows that even the slightest movement will give him an orgasm. He’s so close and yet so far away. Squeezing his shaft will also cause his head to swell in frustration as those milky tears leak out.
After a prolonged period of tease and denial, rubbing the testicles can send the sub over the edge. A Hitachi Magic Wand works great for this method. For best results, I would advise having the testicles tied so that they protrude and are pressed together. This will allow the vibrations to run through both balls more easily. A chastity device can also be incorporated. The metal or plastic frame of a chastity device will send the vibrations through the shaft, stimulating it to a very weak and frustrating orgasm. This is a great method for the chastity slave who’s complaining about having full balls. And what’s even better is that the slave doesn’t need to have his chastity device removed!
As a side note, this is why I believe that every chastity slave, no matter how great the device may be, is on an honor system. You can read my prior post THE PROBLEM WITH CHASTITY BELTS to learn more about the realities and limitations of chastity devices and belts.
One trick I’ve learned is to use a dimmer switch with the Hitachi Magic Wand. The two settings of the Hitachi Magic Wand are often too strong, causing more numbness than excitement. With a dimmer switch, you can find that perfect setting to make your sub to explode. Dimmer switches are also super cheap and easy to use. Definitely pick one up no matter how you’re planning to use a Hitachi Magic Wand.
Any long-term chastity slave will be familiar with prostate milking. Technically, I suppose prostate milking is a ruined orgasm, so I thought I’d include it in this list. Prostate milking is the stimulation of the man’s prostate until semen is released. While prostate massages can produce intense orgasms when accompanied with rubbing the penis, I’m going to only discuss the ruined variety.
While fingers can be used to knead the prostate, prostate massagers are often helpful for beginners. Everyone has their preference, so it’s good to experiment in order to see what works for you and your partner. A bent over position usually works best to provide easy access to the prostate.
For most men, the prostate is located about 1.5 inches inside the anus and is roughly the size of a walnut. When you find it, the sub should feel a buzzing sensation. Because the bladder is right next to the prostate, your sub may feel like he has to pee. If this does occur, massage more gently. You’re probably rubbing too hard and pushing the prostate against the bladder. See below on the risks associated with an overly aggressive prostate massage.
The easiest way to milk the prostate is to stroke the head and shaft while rubbing the prostate with a massager or your fingers. You’ll need to do this for a while so be in a comfortable spot. If you’re stroking, milking can take only about ten minutes, but if you’re only massaging the prostate, this can take up to an hour to complete and usually only works if the sub hasn’t ejaculated in about a week.
For those stroking the penis while massaging, when the prostate begins to harden and push against the massager/fingers, stop all stimulation to the penis (continue massaging the prostate, though). This means the prostate is contracting and the release of semen is imminent. If you’re looking to avoid all contact with the penis and testicles to ensure the least amount of pleasure, I suggest massaging the perineum (that’s the dark area between the testicles and anus) while stimulating the prostate.
I want to give an upfront warning about prostate massaging. It should be done so gently. Do not–I repeat–DO NOT massage vigorously. Doing so is potentially life threatening. See below from the Prostatitis Network. I encourage you to click the link and read the entire article. I’ve included what I believe is the most important section.
However, vigorous prostatic massage may be very dangerous:
- If you have acute bacterial prostatitis it can result in septicemia (blood poisoning).
- If you have the beginnings of a carcinoma in your prostate, it could conceivably result in the cancer being disturbed, broken up and metastasizing (spreading) around your body.
- It can result in prostatic calculi (little prostate stones made of calcium, if you have them, and they are quite common) tearing the delicate membranes in the prostate, exacerbating your CP/CPPS.
- There is a chance of perforation of the very thin rectal lining adjacent to the prostate, or tearing the rectal lining with a fingernail or implement.
- It may cause a hemorrhoid flare-up.
In the case of #5, a man almost died, so please take what’s being discussed seriously. If you notice any blood during a prostate massage, stop immediately. Always remember to follow safe, sane, and consensual.
Following a ruined orgasm, the sub is still just as aroused as before. The usual sexual relief offered by an orgasm is avoided by a ruined one. If you’ve ever worked with a male sub, you know how easily an orgasm can destroy his submissive tendencies. Not so with a ruined orgasm. Even if he decides to masturbate, if properly drained, nothing will happen until he waits for his semen to be replaced. Men often say it feels like their vitality has been drained without their submission being weakened.
Until the next time you decide to let him come, he should fill his time with more important activities like going down on his mistress
I hope you found this short guide helpful. There’s probably a million different ways to ruin an orgasm. Use your imagination and I’m sure you’ll have fun. Not letting your sub know if or what kind of ruined orgasm he’s going to be experiencing can also create a kinky experience. Let me know if you have any additional methods. I’m always looking for new things to try.