We’re at the end of the three-part series on making your submissive kinks a reality. If you’re interested, you can read the first two parts, “Introducing Your Wife or Significant Other to Female Domination” and “Finding a Dominant Girlfriend”. In this section, we’ll be discussing visiting a pro-domme.
If you’ve never visited a pro-domme, one of the first questions you may have is whether such services are legal. This depends on where you reside. First off, I’m not a lawyer. Also, most of my research on this matter is limited to America. It’s simply too large of a topic to research from a global perspective. While this may be an over-simplified statement, Europe tends to be more lax regarding sex work than America. And yes, BDSM for hire is sex work. Without the sexual impulses, no one would be hiring dominatrixes.
I’ll save my rant on why outlawing prostitution is impractical and immoral for another blog post. First, let’s look at the current situation. There are many asinine laws on the books. Take this frightening example. Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas, and Utah all have sodomy laws banning certain “unnatural” sex acts. These often include oral and anal sex and bestiality. While I think most of us are comfortable with protecting animals, having the state attempt to restrict the former pair is quite disturbing. You might think these laws don’t matter. Certainly the local police aren’t going to bust down your door on a tip that you’re receiving a blowjob. However, as recently as 2014, the Louisiana House of Representatives voted 67-27 to continue same-sex sting operations whose goal was to arrest consenting individuals for engaging in same-sex relations.
Since these laws are unconstitutional, they are never held up in court, but they do send a clear message to the populace: certain sexual acts are immoral, which is the whole point of them still existing. By the way, in case you think this story is a one-off, I could literally fill up a year’s worth of blog posts listing stories that are far worse.
So where do pro-dommes fall into this murky, dated legal system in which federal and state laws often don’t agree? The best answer I can provide is that they exist on a thin grey line. There is very little written about BDSM in the legal context. When anti-sodomy and anti-prostitution laws were written, I don’t think power exchange was wildly known or discussed. However, that doesn’t mean previous laws can’t be applied to new situations. Laws are purposely written in vague legal jargon. Judges realize that laws cannot cover every foreseeable situation of the future. They write them in a manner that can have broad legal application. Therefore, whether paying a dominatrix is illegal depends on many factors such as the judge, the prosecutor, and the arguments of the defense.
You can easily see how cloudy this becomes. If a spanking arouses the individual, is this really any different from prostitution? Does it matter if it’s a clothed or naked spanking? How is CBT handled? There’s definitely touching of the genitals there. Where do you draw the line with body worship?
It’s all very confusing.
You can follow a few tips to limit your chances of legal trouble. If you’re going to visit a dominatrix, make sure the sex work she provides is only related to BDSM. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with visiting a sex worker who splits her time between being an escort and a dominatrix or one who blends the two during a session. I’m simply stating that traditional sex workers, on average, have a greater likelihood of being targeted by law enforcement. And yes, I’m aware of the crackdown a few years ago in New York City that closed many BDSM clubs, but I think that’s a rather isolated event. If you want to stay clear of the heat, hire someone who exclusively provides domination services.
So how do you know who is exclusive and how do you go about finding a competent domme? You may never know with complete certainty that a sex worker provides exclusive BDSM services. However, there are some attributes to look for that can give you a fairly good idea. If the dominatrix has her own website, she’ll list whether she engages in sexual activities. Most do not. And unlike escorts who say that the “donation” is not for sex and that whatever happens between two consenting people happens, dominatrixes aren’t trying to circumvent the law while giving their prospective clients a wink. They’re telling you unequivocally that they aren’t going to provide you with a happy ending. If that bothers you, find another domme who offers what you’re seeking.
Beyond individual websites, you can find local pro-dommes on Backpage. Be very wary of these. Many of these ads are fakes. If they don’t list their own website, I would be very skeptical. The Erotic Review is also a good site where you can see if someone has posted fake pictures and read reviews from clients. I’m not a big fan of these review sites as I think it pressures sex workers to provide services they’re uncomfortable with in order to please clients, but I understand there benefit to potential clients.
You may be surprised to learn how few dominatrixes are in your area unless you inhabit a large city. Therefore, you might have to take a trip to realize your fantasies unless a traveling domme happens to be passing through your area. Of course, the paradox with traveling dommes is that they usually only venture to populated areas that already have pro-dommes.
Another aspect that may come as a shock to some is the price for professional domination. $250 an hour is not unreasonable and highly sought after dommes often charge more. This is about in line with the cost of seeing an escort. Some men wonder why a dominatrix, who isn’t having sex with her client, can justify such high prices. I actually look at it in the reverse manner. A good, well-equipped dungeon can cost fifty grand to stock. Have you ever taken a look at the prices of those latex dresses or military boots? A good bondage table alone can run over a grand. Whether you’re visiting a pro-domme or looking to spice up your monogamous sex life with a partner, BDSM is a very pricey fetish. There’s also the training to consider. Dominatrixes don’t learn to properly swing a bullwhip over a weekend, and incorrectly using one can seriously injure a person.
This is one of the reasons I wish sex work was legal and regulated. I’m a CPA. The state says I can audit and sign off on publicly traded financial statements. This is because I’ve earned a bachelors and masters degree in accounting from an accredited university and passed the four sections of the CPA exam. With a dominatrix, it doesn’t work this way. There are no degrees or certifications. You have to rely on a stranger’s word, and considering the obvious power tilt of BDSM, this should be a very disconcerting reality to any sub. Therefore, you should never feel ashamed about asking a domme for references or her background and training. If this pisses her off, move on. A competent domme will be more than willing to provide you with answers. In fact, considering how frustrated many dommes are with subs who state they have no limits, she will probably be reassured that she is working with an intelligent individual who’s thinking with more than the head between his legs.
And since we’re on the subject of limits, you should have an idea as to what you want and don’t want to occur during a session. It’s okay to tell the dominatrix that it’s your first time and that you aren’t exactly sure what you are into. However, you should have a general idea of a few things you’d like to try. If you’ve been fantasizing about this for years and it’s an urge strong enough for you to hire a dominatrix, I can’t believe you honestly don’t have any clue as to what you desire.
After you’ve found a pro-domme and you have an idea of a fetish or two you’d like to try, it’s time to book your session. You’ll need to decide how long of a session you want to reserve. I highly recommend booking a two-hour session. Unless you have only one particular fetish you want to explore, one hour isn’t enough time. Setting up a bondage scene, for example, might take fifteen or twenty minutes. If it’s your first time, you’ll probably be nervous, too. With only an hour, you’re likely to just begin to feel like you’re relaxing and getting into the scene by the time it’s over.
When corresponding with a pro-domme, remember to be polite. Ask questions if you have them. A dominatrix is accustomed to working with nervous newcomers. Just remember that she isn’t a mind reader. If you have a strange fetish, bring it up. Chances are she has heard it before. If not, I doubt you’re the oddest client she has ever seen, and she probably appreciates having the opportunity to explore something new. If your fetish imposes on one of her hard limits, respect her boundaries just as she will respect yours.
One of the questions you’re likely to be asked is whether marks can be left. This is up to you and your personal situation. Some subs enjoy receiving marks so they can be viewed during the days following a session, as it gives the sub a sense of being branded by his mistress. If you do want marks, be sure to clarify where marks can and can’t be left.
Before your session, I recommend going two or three days without ejaculating. This is by no means a requirement, but you might as well get your money’s worth and be super horny. Also, don’t forget to show up looking your best. This doesn’t mean arriving in a three-piece suit, but a shower and some basic grooming can go a long way, and you’re more likely to receive a better session. And by all means, don’t show up inebriated. Should you do this, any domme with an ounce of ethics will promptly show you the door. If you’ve scheduled a particularly heavy corporal punishment session, you can take a few OTC pain relievers beforehand. This may help alleviate swelling.
Tipping is not necessary. If you want to get a gift, ask the domme her preference before buying something. Other than that, enjoy your session and be sure to thank your mistress. It’s also nice to send a short email the next day thanking her for the session.
Follow these recommendations and you’re likely to be on a great start to a long-term relationship with a pro-domme. I’ll add one caveat to end on. If you’ve never entertained you fetishes and you start out with a pro-domme, remember that your kink play with non-professionals is likely to be different. They’ll be more compromise, and you’ll need to lower your expectations.