If there’s one fetish besides findom that leaves people shaking their heads, it’s cuckolding. The idea that a married man would want his sweet, dotting angel of a wife to go out to the bar to pick up a random stud to give her the best lay of her life does sort of go against all that we cherish in a monogamous relationship.
In case you don’t know, cuckolding is when a female in a monogamous relationship (usually a marriage) has sex with other partners while the man remains faithful. The female, in this case, is referred to as the ‘cuckoldress’, her new outside love interest the ‘bull’. The man being cheated on is the ‘cuckold’.
Almost without exception, the man is the one to first raise the idea of cuckolding. I’ve heard varied explanations for why this sexual fantasy exists. Some think the man believes he isn’t good enough for any woman. Others view the relationship as dead and that the man unconsciously wants a reason to leave. Those reasons could be true for some, but I don’t think it speaks for the vast majority of men who have this fetish.
Cuckolding is one of the many forms of psychological sexual masochism, although, not all men into cuckolding enjoy being humiliated. A minority of cuckolds purely enjoy the arousal of seeing, hearing, or thinking about their lover with another man.
Anthropology lends one potential explanation to why this fetish exists. Any stat on infidelity clearly demonstrates that monogamy doesn’t come naturally to us. It’s a fairly recent social construct in evolutionary terms. Even during times of monogamy, it was assumed that men would have mistresses and concubines until about forty to sixty years ago. While many point to the Bible as the source of monogamy, a light reading of scripture reveals more sleeping around than an episode of Mistresses. The New Testament dials back the multiple wives and concubines, but little is spoken about monogamy outside a few verses in Mark and Matthew referencing a verse in Genesis discussing man and woman becoming one flesh.
A more likely source is Rome where the cultural norm was monogamy. After Constantine made Christianity legal and Theodosius made it the official religion of the Roman Empire, Christianity adopted many of Rome’s cultural practices, including monogamy.
While monogamy, polygyny (one husband, many wives), and polyandry (one wife, many husbands) once all coexisted rather peacefully, once monogamy became intertwined with the spread of Christianity, it became cemented in most cultures. As Dr. David P. Barash and Dr. Judith Lipton succinctly state in their book The Myth of Monogamy:
“Once a monogamous code exists, violating that code is antithetical to higher levels of civilization and of personal development.”
The thought of a woman having sex with multiple men (sometimes at once) may strike the pious as sinful, but such behavior was quite ordinary for thousands of years and may explain the reason why women developed the ability to have multiple orgasms. In a monogamous relationship, multiple orgasms really don’t make much evolutionary sense for procreation.
This brings us to what I think is at least one piece of the answer as to why cuckolding is such a popular fetish among men. Competition. In the beginning of a relationship, the chase alone for men is thrilling enough. Once that chase is over and the pair of lovers is on their tenth hour of a Game of Thrones binge, it’s no surprise that the excitement is gone. This is one reason why so many men into cuckolding are over thirty and in long term relationships. Having lost their sense of competitiveness, they’ve become bored and disillusioned. For these men, introducing competition reactivates the chase.
Sperm competition is seen throughout nature and alludes to why men view so much more pornography than women. Watching people have sex activates their sexual desire to compete. (Lesbian porn arouses them from watching sexually aggressive females who are ready to mate, but that’s an entirely different topic.) Therefore, cuckold fantasies activates a primitive need to compete in a man’s sexuality.
It should be noted that very few men with this fetish actually want their wives to leave them. Cuckolds only want the illusion of competition. While he’s sitting off to the sidelines watching his wife get dolled up for her big date, he knows that she’ll later return home to tell him all about the great sex she just enjoyed.
Cuckolding as a Fetish
Despite much of the media brooding over this so-called new phenomenon, if anything is new, it’s that more people are able to make this fetish a reality as a result of the internet. Plenty of sites, such as, Date A Cuckold provide a community for cuckoldresses and bulls to seek arrangements.
Of course, all this intellectual appeal fails to explain why all men don’t harbor cuckolding fantasies. From the limited research available, one established link is that most men into this fetish are educated individuals with high IQs, which makes sense since it places a premium on the mental, rather than the physical, aspects of sex. (Though, I doubt all male Mensa members are trading tips on how to get their wives to sleep around on them.) How our sexual DNA, hormones, and life experiences produce a kink remains a mystery to psychologists.
To make matters more complicated, there are different types of cuckolds. Some are submissive and enjoy the humiliation of laying out the woman’s clothes and preparing the bed for her and her lover. Some additionally see it as an avenue to forced bi. Others have no interest in female domination and purely enjoy the voyeuristic aspects. Then there’s the white man who only wants his wife to enjoy black men.
Making it a Reality
Whatever your particular style may be, if this is something you’ve fantasized about and are now looking to make a reality, I think it’s best to follow a few guidelines.
- Don’t try this in a new relationship. Unless you’re cool with a kink-only relationship, cuckolding is best done when trust has been established in the relationship. It’s also pretty rare to be desired in a new relationship since the thrill of the chase provides enough stimuli.
- Don’t jump in headfirst. Start with a date that doesn’t involve sex, and see what both your reactions are. Then add a kiss and so on.
- You may find you don’t like it. If your lovely wife or girlfriend makes your fantasy come true only for you to find yourself crying in the corner of the bedroom with regret, process your own feelings without slut shaming your significant other for something you asked her to do. This happens a lot, and it’s so not cool.
- Building off #3, don’t be surprised if the fulfillment of this fetish is the greatest turn on of your life until you blow your load and reality comes crashing down with all its post orgasm shame. This is a common reaction expressed by first time cuckolds.
- Get the bull tested for STDs. Most cuckolds want their significant other to have sex without a condom so she can be filled with the alpha male’s sperm. Remember the part about sperm competition! This type of play is fine as long as you’re safe and on birth control.
- Be careful involving coworkers, friends or relatives. I don’t think this one needs explanation.
- Realize that most cuckold relationships don’t work out in the long term. Often, someone falls in love, becomes resentful, gets jealous, ect. Yes, many report that their relationship is on fire during those first few months of cuckolding, but making this work over the long haul requires a high level of trust and communication. Many marriages have ended in divorce as a result of cuckolding, so understand that you’re trotting into a fetish with potentially serious consequences. (Though it’s worth noting that some have attributed the cuckolding lifestyle as having saved their marriage.)
- Consider visiting a kink-friendly therapist to provide guidance and to make sure you are both ready for this. A professional can also help you process emotions that will undoubtedly come up once the cuckolding begins.
All of this, though, is dependent upon you telling your significant other. Do be tactful about this, and make sure you impress upon her that this doesn’t mean you don’t love her or that this is a cleaver ruse for you to later seek sex outside the relationship. Impress upon her that you want her to have the best sex life possible and seeing her as a “hotwife” is a thrill for you.
Beyond that, there’s not much you can do. Your wife/GF/SO will either agree or not, and most won’t. I’ll say that again for the overly optimistic kinkster who’s jerking off while reading this. As someone who has been in the fetish community for a while and watched men hang from ceilings while their wives whipped them, this is the one fetish where those same kinky women will resoundingly say, “HELL NO,” to cuckolding. Despite the online cuckolding forums giving the impress that every wife in the neighborhood is openly fucking around, the odds she will ever be into this fetish are slim.
But if this is something you really desire, test the waters by bringing it up in a casual conversation and gauge her reaction. You might say you read about it in the news. Personally, I’m not a fan of these mind games, so I think you should just come out with it, but if you think your wife might freak out, take the stealth approach. You know your wife better than I do, so trust your instincts. From what others have said, if she likes to talk about past boyfriends and describing the sex she had with them, this appears to be one of the signs of a potential cuckoldress. Other than that it seems to be a crapshoot.
If she’s not down with spreading her legs for that young stud who serves her morning macchiato with a wink, try compromising with role-play. Your wife might even find that she likes your fantasy sessions more than she thought she would and later warm up to the idea of cuckolding you for real. If not, there are plenty of cuckolding porn on the web, and a little imagination can go a long way.
If you’ve got any hot cuckolding stories, please share in the comments!